Ask For What You Want

Tips for recovering people-pleasers who want to avoid disappointment without being a dictator (note: I’m still learning)

For Mother’s Day, David gave me a gorgeous handmade journal with a note for this year and last written in the first pages followed by a stamp of the baby’s handprint. The idea is that every year, he and the baby will add to the journal, creating a really special book of motherhood for me. 

I love it. 

It’s exactly what I asked for. 

Mind-reading is not a learned skill

Largely due to my adolescent romantic-comedy education on relationships, I assumed that the longer we knew each other and lived life together, the better David would get at reading my mind. 

This is not our reality (I have to keep reminding myself). 

After a few too many instances of me saying, “Surprise me!” or “Whatever you want is great,” and being profoundly disappointed that the outcome did not match my vision exactly, something had to change. 

Unmet expectations often (always?) lead to disappointment! Too much disappointment leads to conflict. We can avoid this entirely if we share our expectations in advance! Everyone wants to reduce disappointment and minimize the conflict in their lives, right? 

Articulate

A major reason that mind-reading is impossible for anyone in relationship with me, is that what I want and the corresponding vision of execution is changing constantly. I am wildly indecisive because there are a whole bunch of things that would be incredible! So how do I choose!? If I can’t even decide for myself what I want, how in the world can I expect someone else to know or guess correctly? Before I can share my expectations, I have to reign in my spiraling brain and actually decide what they are. 

Telling someone else what you want – whether it’s a gift request, weekend plans, a food you’re craving for dinner – holds you accountable to first decide for yourself. 

But what if others don’t want the same thing as you? I don’t want to be a dictator! For recovering people-pleasers 🙋🏼‍♀️, it can be difficult to share out loud what you want.  

Stay flexible

It’s possible to share what you want and also leave space for others to contribute. 

When you articulate your own preferences, analyze how important the specifics are within your vision and if there are areas other people might be able to contribute.

For my Mother’s Day gift, I asked for a journal – I didn’t have a specific idea about what the journal looked like. As a thoughtful gift-giver, David was then able to get creative and ordered a dark green leather journal from a woman-owned small business. Details I loved! And was happy to be surprised with. 

For me, identifying places where I’m not bound to a my own preference allows others to contribute to group decisions or treat me in an unexpected (and welcome) way and makes the whole experience feel less like I’m controlling the whole situation.

Take care of yourself

Asking for what we want or need is a simple yet profound way to practice true self-care. 

On Sunday, I got to sleep in, have hot coffee prepared for me upon waking, and relax during the morning. We took a family hike in the sunshine and I had an afternoon coffee treat alone with my journal (where I wrote most of this post!). That evening, we went out to dinner for pizza, wine, and tiramisu. I took a long shower beforehand, wore a dress, and did zero dishes. 

It was an excellent Mother’s Day full of things I wanted to do and that’s largely because I planned it! Instead of heading into the week with unmet needs, I felt nourished and celebrated. In my planning requests, I left space for flexibility and extras and did not feel like a dictator (my husband does know me well enough to fill the gaps well without needing to read my mind). Instead, I felt like a woman asking for what she wanted. 

Consider this your nudge to ask for what you want – any day of the year! Not just your birthday or Mother’s Day but all of the days. You deserve it. 

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Hi! I’m Liz. Thanks for being here and reading my journals on the journey. If you’re new, learn a bit more about me and this space here and consider subscribing to my weeklyish posts.

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