Comparison is the Thief of my Joy

working to let go of old stories and find contented joy in the present

I am a 7 on the Enneagram - The Enthusiast.

Sevens are spontaneous, high-spirited, impulsive, and often looking ahead to what wonderful or exciting thing is to come in the future. One hallmark trait of a seven is that they find great joy in this anticipation of and planning for events and activities. Then, however, if (and more likely, when) the activity does not meet their expectations, they are disappointed by the reality. 

Constantly seeking new and exciting experiences also means that 7s are typically more susceptible to addiction than other types of people.

For me, both of these characteristics are easily spotted in my relationship with social media. I absolutely struggle with some technology addiction and am regularly disappointed when elements of my life do not match the idealized visions I’ve created in my mind based on my Instagram scrolling.

I often allow myself to wallow in anxiety based on comparison. How does my life compare to what others are doing? How does my life compare to the predictions I had for it? How does it compare to what I think it should be like? I am battling comparisons with others and also my own expectations and predictions. Is this what I want or just what I think I should want or what I previously thought I would want? 

Many of us are living a life that does not match what we may have expected or envisioned for ourselves in the past but reckoning with that inconsistency is more of a process for some than others 🙋🏼‍♀️

As I’ve shared here, I’m working to celebrate ordinary moments and the abundance that my life currently contains. And with this practice, I am finding so much to celebrate. Yet… something’s missing? I’m still feeling unsettled?

I suppose that it’s one thing to celebrate the ordinary moments and days in our life but it’s a separate task to be content in a life made up of mostly ordinary moments. As I have learned recently, celebrating the ordinary abundance does not magically negate the desire for more. But where does this desire come from when I am consciously choosing to slow down and soak in the regular life I’m actively living? 

The disconnect, for me, comes from a battle with comparison. While comparison to others can be a good thing - it can encourage and inspire – it most often sends me into a spiral of inadequacy. I get stuck feeling less than and like I’m not living up to the previously crafted story I had for myself. I’m clinging to a narrative that I have created based on comparison with others’ curated lives on social media. And that’s just not what you want. I’m letting that comparison steal all my present joy.

Earlier this week, I played hooky from work (and home) and went snowboarding for the day – my first day out since before I got pregnant. Almost two years without sliding on snow! I was excited to have a day on the mountain to myself to rediscover a hobby I’ve previously loved and was eager to push myself physically and emotionally with a day away from home (and the baby). Would we all survive? 

I almost canceled and didn’t go. It’s a lot of logistics to get out the door! And then 30 minutes away from home, I was JAZZED to be on my way. I listened to NPR and my audiobook, stopped for a surprisingly excellent breakfast sandwich, and drank a whole mug of hot coffee. Then getting on the slopes was glorious. It was lightly snowing and the mountain was empty – it truly felt like I had it to myself. 

And after an hour, my quads were wrecked. Turns out, it’s pretty hard returning to a sport after two years with zero ramp-up. As I was approaching the lift after only a couple of runs, I thought, “it’s humiliating being exhausted so quickly,” when what I think I actually meant was, “humbling.”

Humiliating vs. humbling – I think there’s something to flesh out in that mental mix-up. 

I’m not an expert in word etymology but what comes to mind for me with this word confusion is that humiliating implies an external opinion and has a negative connotation, while humbling is more encouraging and personal. 

For me, in thinking humiliating, I was considering what others would think of me instead of personally feeling encouraged by my body and the physical task I set for myself. I was enjoying myself but was letting my anticipation and fear of how others would respond cloud that enjoyment. This is so silly! And yet I do it over and over again. I constantly struggle to do things for myself - and for myself, alone.

There have been plenty of big, exciting adventures in my life that are impressive to other people and my own exceedingly high standards. But this pressure – mostly from myself! – to make sure every moment is something that people will be awed by is not realistic, sustainable, or even something I can control. 

Now that I’ve fully realized and articulated this, I want to be intentional about living my story for ME. I need to let go of the story I’m clutching to – a story drafted by past versions of myself and fears of other people’s opinions - and write the story I want to live with the life I’m actively building upon my own choices and parameters.

It’s taken me a while to write this post because I haven’t sorted it all out; I don’t have a firm plan for myself to avoid the trap of a comparison inadequacy spiral in the future, I haven’t magically started enjoying myself without thinking of how others will react. Perhaps I’m just here to share that this is something I struggle with and maybe you do, too? Or I’m seeking some supportive accountability? Maybe both?

Can we work on this together? Let’s let go of the stories that aren’t serving us anymore and encourage each other to consider what we’re looking for in the present, not what we used to want or what we think we should want or what other people want. 

Let’s use comparison to build each other up and write incredible stories for our lives as we’re living them together.