How to build community when it feels like you have nothing to give (Community, Part 3)

To make it possible, it has to be easy (with some practical ideas because, I know, nothing is easy right now)

I’ve been reading a lot about making friends in adulthood and building community, and my main takeaway continues to be: it’s very hard! And, also, we all generally want more of it.

But how do we do it? How do you build community when adulthood feels impossible?

---

This is the third of a multi-post series on living life in community. If you missed it, read the first two posts here:

---

For years, I tried to make an organic, casual Friday night brewery meet-up *just happen.* I’d spend inordinate amounts of time figuring out who to text in advance of which Fridays and how to explain that we’d be there every week and that they should just show up another time, too!

I had this grand vision of living a life like Friends, where they all just happened to always be at the coffee house, no matter what day or time it was. I wanted to spend time with my friends effortlessly. I wanted it to be easy! But making it happen was anything but.

My brewery vision never stuck. Everyone is busy on summer Fridays (including us!), not everyone wants to go to a brewery every week, it didn’t feel easy. And things that are hard go quickly to also being not fun.

Where is the time?

In my 20s, it was easier to focus on friendships and maintain a social life namely because I had a lot less going on. I worked, had a few hobbies, and hung out with my friends. Now, all those things are still true but I also have a couple side jobs, own a home, am married, and parent a toddler – all things that require time and energy from me.

As my time is spread among more things in this wonderfully full life of mine, I am constantly reevaluating where things fall in the list of priorities. Friendships and community are definitely something I care about, but they warrant less of the resource pie than they might have in the past. And yet, I still protect some of my resources for them; I’m not willing to cross them off the list completely!

But what is actually possible with that small sliver of resources? If I only have a handful of hours each week, how much meaningful connection with others can I achieve?

Get creative and keep it simple

For me, this is the fun part – a puzzle to sort out. You have something you want to prioritize (community) and limited resources (time, energy, etc.). How do you intentionally allocate those resources to achieve your goal?

In general, my biggest tip for building sustainable community and friendships is: make it easy.

In our world of chronic overwhelm, no one has the capacity to add something else to their plate. Or, rather, they’re already adding a zillion other things to their overfull plate and so it’s not appealing to be that one extra thing that’s really going to tip the scales. Even people who want more time with friends and community have a hard time squeezing it in.

But when something is easy, that helps other people opt in. It makes it feel fun again instead of a burden or obligation. In serving yourself, you’re also being the conduit for deeper relationship growth for those in your community.

But how? Nothing is easy?

It’s true, absolutely nothing in my life feels easy right now. Maybe you can relate?

Here are some ways that I’ve made it easier to spend time with my friends:

Send the last-minute invite: Crazy work day, so on your way home, you decide to go to a brewery? Text a friend to join you on your way there (not while you’re driving!). Even if they can’t make it on short notice, they’ll know you were thinking of them, and it drops a few coins in the friendship bank, which will make another future invite easier to extend in either direction. And if they can join you, what a fun surprise! You had none of the stress that comes with planning ahead, but you do get time with a friend.

Host friends for something you’re already planning: Hosting can feel objectively overwhelming. I love having friends over, and even so, cannot prioritize a big thing – cleaning the house, planning a meal, making everything presentable. I cannot choose to give that much energy to hosting friends, and I miss it so much!

But especially in the summer, we spend a lot of time in our backyard, cooking dinner on the grill. If we’re planning to grill, play in the backyard, and eat on the porch, it is easy to invite another family to join us – much easier than planning a dinner event with friends from scratch. Bonus that the toddler will be more interested in playmates than the hot grill.

proof of paper plates and plastic utensils

Give the guest bathroom a quick wipe down (bare minimum here) and tidy enough so people don’t trip walking through your house. Maybe you need to buy more groceries, but also maybe not! Let your guests bring something to contribute (They will most likely offer! Say yes!), and you’re set. I even use paper plates to ease the clean-up.

[Along these lines, I loved this piece from Katherine Goldstein about “deep casual” hosting and I’ve adopted many of these mindsets and tips to “prioritize connection over unrealistic instagram expectations.”]

8 Ways to Embrace “Deep Casual Hosting” (So You’ll Actually Do It)

Multitask with intention: One of my closest friends also lives 10 blocks away from me, and I only see her when we’re running. We have a weekly run date in the early morning before work, and it is such cherished time! We both work full-time and have children under 5, but we both also love running and prioritize time for it. By choosing to run together weekly, that means we also get an hour to catch up and chat every single week!!!! How many of your friends do you spend an hour talking to every single week?!

Do you have friends who do the same kind of work as you? Meet for a coworking session at a coffee shop. Run errands with your friends – you all need to go to Costco, and that is definitely more fun with a buddy. Coordinate with other parents in your neighborhood to meet at the playground on the same day during the evening witching hour. Set a time to call a friend and catch up during your commute to work.

These are all things I have done! What other ideas do you have for multitasking with intention? I’d love to gather a long list – share in the comments!

Ask for help: You might not be in a position to offer anything, including any of the options I suggested above. In that case, ask your people for help. Vulnerability builds connection; by asking directly for help, you’re showing that you trust someone else enough to let them see what’s behind the curtain, (some of) the details of your real life.

We often don’t ask for help because we feel like a burden to others. But that’s not our decision to make. In asking for help, you are offering a part of yourself and giving them the chance to decide what they are willing and able to provide. If your ask is a burden for them, they should say no. You are not a burden.

“Trouble me! I’ve been waiting my whole life to be troubled!” - All Fours

Because most of my close friends are also strung-out moms of young children, when I ask for help, I sometimes get a response something along the lines of, “I can’t tonight, but I’m so glad you asked! Can I help next time? Ask me again!” Other times, I get an enthusiastic “YES!”

In asking for help, you’re giving others the opportunity to lean in without doing any of the work to figure out how – you are telling them exactly what you need. In getting support for yourself, you’ve also helped others lean into community, which strengthens the whole system. A rising tide lifts all boats and all that.

Even if you feel like you cannot offer anything, in asking for help from others, you are offering yourself – you are offering the gift of friendship. And honestly, that’s one of the greatest things we can offer one another.