How to Manage the Mornings
Let’s talk about the lifetimes we live before 9am
For as long as I can remember, I have been obsessed with how other people spend their time. Honestly, I love learning about how other people live the entirety of their lives – individual habits and quirks are fascinating! My background is in psychology, teaching, and learning, so this obsession tracks, and has always been very theoretical… until recently.
Your time is no longer your own
Even if you don’t have children of your own, I’m sure you’re familiar with the popular sentiment that when you do have a child, your time stops being your own and becomes someone else’s – the child’s. I am stubborn and fiercely independent, so naturally, I declared that when I became a parent, this would not be true for me. I’d do it differently!
How cute. 🤪
In my two whole years as a parent, I have maintained some independence; I take time for myself and ask for what I need. And I also love this new identity, role, and family structure we’ve built! There are times when I’ve been happy to give my time over to this creature I grew inside of my body and physically birthed into the world (this will never not blow my mind).
And there are also plenty of instances when I am going absolutely insane. The most glaring insanity-offender is Monday - Friday mornings, 6:00 - 9:00am. The lifetimes I live during those three hours are some of the most intense and variable of the week.
Start your day off right
“Early mornings are when we have the most control over our schedules.” This is a popular phrase from many time management experts, and that may be universally true in a grand sweeping sort of way. I definitely understand the reality that as the day unfolds, there are more opportunities for conflicts to arise. However, when you have small children sleeping in your home, it does not always ever feel like you have control over those morning hours.
Routine is helpful. Sure, make a plan! We love a plan – I am great at planning! But how do you communicate the plan to the toddler? Or the dog? How do you coordinate all the moving pieces of the plan when one tiny thing shifts unexpectedly?
Let’s get down to brass tacks
In the past few months, my obsession with other people’s lives has gotten pretty intense, detailed, and tactical. I’ve texted nearly every one of my friends who has small children with the question, “How do you manage the morning? Can you walk me through your morning routine because we cannot get it together over here.”
When do you wake up?
Who’s eating breakfast and when? What’s everyone eating?
Is anyone getting a morning workout in?
Who needs to get to work and by when?
How involved is the getting-ready process for adults and children?
Does the dog get a walk?
And then also, what happens when one of the grown-ups has an earlier-than-usual meeting with their boss? Or perhaps someone wakes up sick? Or just earlier than expected? Or the toddler’s diaper leaks through – requiring an unexpected morning bath? Or maybe there’s a snow day and school is closed. Or she breaks her freaking leg and can’t go to school for weeks?!!??
Introducing a new series: Manage the Mornings
Inspired by Lindsay Stanberry’s Division of Labor series on The Purse and Laura Vanderkam’s research and writing on time diaries, we’re going to crowd-source some morning survival intel.
I want to hear from YOU!
What’s your morning routine? What does an ideal morning include? And then, when things go awry, what changes do you make?
I want to know how you plan, but what I really want to dig into is how you pivot.
How do you keep it together for your first work meeting of the day when the preschooler refuses to go inside to preschool? Who takes the time to clean up the unexpected dog puke you discovered on the carpet? What family values get prioritized, and what adjustments do you make to honor your priorities? How did you settle into this morning rhythm and how is it working for you? Is there something you’d like to happen differently? Let’s talk.
Want to share how you manage the mornings? Fill out this form to be featured in an upcoming post!
To kick things off, I’m sharing the details from a morning in our house below.
Name: Liz Ryan
Where do you live? Seattle, WA
Family details: Husband: David, 2yo daughter: L, and 15yo dog who is our true firstborn: CC.
Work details: I work FT outside of the home in a hybrid situation (in-office 3x week) and also run a small side-hustle biz (writing, coaching, teaching yoga). David also works full-time and is remote.
School/childcare details: Our 2yo is in full-time childcare 9a-4p Monday - Friday.
In your home, what does an ideal morning include and why? How do you and your family split up or share responsibilities?
I am a morning person and generally get up early to work out – the rest of my day flows much more smoothly when I’ve exercised before the rest of the day happens. Because I have a lot of energy in the mornings, I also carry more of the family morning load (while David carries us in the evenings after I crash around 4pm). Due to some recent health issues (and generally just being old!), we’ve made a few changes to reprioritize our dog’s care in the morning – he has to get a walk outside before we start school and work. His needs are non-negotiable!
Work-wise, my morning schedule is often less flexible than David’s. Most of my team is on Eastern or Central time, so I frequently have meetings first thing and, when I have to go into the office, a 45-minute commute (on a good day). On the other hand, David often has morning flexibility with meetings starting later in the day. When I have an early meeting and have to be in the office (happens more often than I’d like), I leave before the toddler even gets up, and David carries the whole chaotic morning load.
Our daughter is only 2, so not quite self-sufficient yet, but has recently become much more excited to “do dis myselp.” Her independent attempts at some things still need quite a bit of supervision, but she can *sometimes* sit and eat by herself while one of us gets ready, and that has been a huge step toward more flexibility for us.
Below is a time diary from one real-life morning in our home:
6:00:
Liz: My alarm goes off. Get up, brush teeth, contacts, dressed and shove a granola bar in my mouth.
6:15:
Liz: Out the door for a run.
7:00:
Liz: Home from my run, hydrate, eat something, quick email check to see what urgent requests await me.
730:
David: Gets up, takes the dog out. He had surgery recently and can’t do the stairs on his own yet so this involves carrying him outside. He’s also not going on walks right now which has removed something from our morning responsibilities. Normally Liz will walk him after her run before getting the toddler up or will bundle the toddler into the stroller for a walk while I get ready.
CC also had an accident overnight, so I deal with that – strip his dog bed and the towels we proactively laid on top, throw everything in the laundry and run the carpet cleaner.
Liz: I get the toddler up. She’s been awake since I got back from my run, contentedly reading to herself and singing Happy Birthday and the ABCs. (I know, I know, we are very lucky here). As I go into her room, in greeting, she declares, “I has leaky diaper,” and sure enough, she’s soaking wet and so is her crib.
I strip her bed, the blankets, 22 stuffies, and 45 books in her crib. She “helps me” remake her bed, which devolves into a very silly game of giggle-filled peekaboo with the fitted sheet.
7:45:
David: In the shower and getting ready for work
Liz: Morning cuddles, milktime, and reading with the toddler
8:00:
David: Swap with Liz, take over the challenge of dressing the 2yo who wants to “do dis myselp”
Liz: I’ve missed my shower window due to all of the unexpected bodily fluids (dog and human) but still need to change out of my sweaty running clothes. Thankfully, I’m WFH today so have a little bit more flexibility – I’ll find a time to shower later (Reader: she did not do this until after bedtime).
8:15:
Liz: Take back over with the toddler. We’re having a nay-nay (banana) and reading books. It’s a very sweet five minutes.
David: Feed the dog, finish getting ready
8:20:
Liz: Initiate the transition to school with a request to put shoes on. Instead, another adorable (yet, this time, kind of frustrating) game of peek-a-boo with the living room curtains (the banana is also still involved, ugh the mess).
8:35:
Liz: Shoes are still not on, we are unraveling. I scoop up the toddler, her shoes, jacket, and banana, and we get in the car.
Driving to school, she calmly puts on her shoes and reads her book of nursery rhymes, occasionally singing to me (they all sound suspiciously like Happy Birthday)
David: Assess and deal with the banana mess and other leftover tornados from the morning.
8:56:
Liz: Arrive at school for drop-off, and there is banana everywhere. Not sure when she transitioned from reading her book to eating her banana, but she’s delighted and also upset to have banana smushed in her hands and all over her pants. Thankfully, the car is stocked with wipes for her hands, and hopefully, she still has some clean pants in her school cubby that fit.
We hop into school like bunnies, then she takes the stairs on her own, “I do dis myselp! I got it!” and she does, but it’s not fast. [In these moments, I am always torn between awe and frustration – look at my determined girl, proud of her own strength and abilities, figuring out the world! And also, I am unshowered, hungry, uncaffeinated, and probably late for things.]
9:05:
Liz: After a big hug and a wave goodbye, I’m off. I drive home in uncharacteristically light traffic, catching some snippets of news headlines on NPR and trying to remember the email check I did earlier – what do I have to rush into when I get home?
David: Make coffee, start the workday.
9:15:
Liz: I’m home and elated to pour a fresh cup of coffee. I make 2nd (or is it 3rd?) breakfast and start up my computer, still trying to remember what ‘urgent’ tasks are waiting for me.
Exhale.
Thanks for reading! Want to share how you manage the mornings? I’d love to hear!