Stop killing time
The challenge (and payoff!) of intentionality instead of the default
In the past few weeks, multiple parents of small children have mentioned their efforts to “kill time” during the often-chaotic and stressful chunk of hours between school/work and bedtime. The ~4-7pm window can be A LOT, I get it, but every time someone mentioned the chore of it, I felt sad about us all just killing time for three hours a day, every day!
Now, don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of days I’m limping along to bedtime. In fact, right now I’m writing to you from the couch while my husband wrangles a screaming toddler into the bath after two hours of *very opinionated* snacking and activities. I’ve had a long day at work, didn’t sleep well last night, and I just want to lie on the couch and read a book uninterrupted. Bedtime cannot get here soon enough.
When life is overwhelming and everything feels hard, I often default to the easiest option — the one that requires the least amount of effort from me. Let’s just go home, we don’t have time for an activity. What activity should we even do? And then, frustratingly, I end up bored and even more drained.
On top of that, after a stretch of days, I have no idea where it has gone. Every day looks the same, and it does feel like I’ve just been killing time…. whole weeks of it!
What’s your default?
To recognize when we’re defaulting to the easiest option, we have to actually pause and articulate our default option. What does that look like? What would it mean to break out of that rut?
As part of this process, I always prompt folks to name their season and with it, what parameters might exist. Often, our values show up in our lives differently depending on seasonal constraints (or freedoms). The default will look different in your 20s than it will a decade later when you’re raising small children.
One version of my default right now is survival—killing time between sleep and childcare breaks. Breaking out of that rut would mean intentionally planning activities that I care about for those windows of time I’ve defaulted to simply surviving, so that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
A little effort goes a long way
When my 2-year-old is focused on building something or riding her bike, she often pauses to tell me, “I working so hard. I happy!” in her adorable toddler-speak, and with this, she is yet again teaching me something important. Usually, when we do the thing that is a little bit challenging, instead of the easiest option — something that requires a small amount of intentional planning, preparation, or effort otherwise — we end up more satisfied.
Yesterday I spent about 10 minutes planning ahead, packed a bag, and straight from school, we headed to the beach for a little mid-week adventure. It was chillier than I had hoped, my fearless toddler wanted to swim in the water the whole time (brrrrr and also, I was not wearing a bathing suit), there were plenty of arguments about wearing shoes on the rocks and tears over snacks dropped in the sand, and when we got home we were both exhausted. But in a contented, accomplished sort of way – not drained and bored.
Make it easier
A big reason that I end up defaulting to survival mode is the repeatedly overwhelming task of brainstorming ideas, researching details, and making decisions. We want a little bit of a challenge but no so much that we bail completely because we can’t get over the hump.
So, I’m reviving my Seasonal Bucket List. A couple times a year, on a plain sheet of computer paper, I write a list of all the things I want to do in that season. I’ll get my family involved and then put it on the fridge where we see it all the time. Then, when we have a block of time that needs an activity but no capacity to determine said activity, I just pick from the list!
This is a simple way to build more values-aligned activities into your days. What are some activities connected to your values that you would like to do more often? What’s something new you’ve wanted to try? Add it all to the list! Get your family involved so everyone can help make it happen when the time comes.
I’ve started including things that we do regularly and enjoy (playgrounds, breweries, bike rides, the beach, etc.) and new things we’ve been wanting to try but need a bit more of a nudge toward (bike commuting to school, a different beach spot, the new coffee shop that is slightly farther away than our standard walk loop).
Your turn; what does your default look like in this season? What would it look like to pull yourself out of it?
Make a seasonal bucket list. What’s on it? Share in the comments! I’d love to hear.
Want to dig into this more?! I’m hosting my next Values-Based Time Management Workshop on June 10th and would love to have you in the room. This 60-minute session is designed to help you realign your time so you can do more of what you love with the people you love. You’ll take a closer look at where your time is really going, identify your core values, and create a plan to bring your daily actions into deeper alignment with what matters most.
This post made me a little sad because there are definitely rough periods where we are "making it through" the day, and that's so sad! I want to enjoy life and time with them, but I also know thinking every moment will be magical is unrealistic. I love the idea of making a seasonal bucket list! I do this for winter and spring break so we have a list of things to try, but I love the idea of it ever-evolving.